yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
