i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
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