tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
