Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
I did not marry a roomba.
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