I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
