were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize