"it" just moved
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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