why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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