I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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