I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
