In America we eat man semen.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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