I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
