you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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