Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
