The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize