the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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