the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Randomize
