he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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