her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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