remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I cut my penus on the lid.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
