haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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