How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
