Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize