I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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