i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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