I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Randomize
