So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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