woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
