pop tarts are not kleenex
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Someone signed my nipple.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
