I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
