he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
