I think I died a long time ago.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
