My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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