I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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