About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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