you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
