So drunk its hurt
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
