yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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