he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
