you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
