thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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