i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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