the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
