My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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