I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
