Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
