Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
