I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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