My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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