I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize