I just saw a hot homeless man
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
