I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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