If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
