I cannot find my penis.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
