Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
