How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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