I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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