I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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